Andrea -Italy

July 23, 2018

I met you on Tinder,

30 year old Italian man

you swept me off my feet, paid for my travel to Italy from Australia

everyone said I was mad, that you could be a serial killer

I flew to you

I was excited, nervous but knew that my heart was ablaze in anticipation

I saw your green eyes

I saw you waiting for me, you called me your Brigitte Neilson

you took charge, you made love to me like no one ever had before

you wrote me love poems

you took me to beautiful ruins and told me you love me,

I felt your truth deep in my heart

my heart broke open and I fell into your spell

we ate together, Italy, the food, the people, the love, the wine, the poetry, the sex, the passion, the healing of my  broken heart, all because you opened your world and heart to me,

little old me, was and is safely home, thinking of you during my days, with my sons,

with my world, other lovers have come and gone but non like you, you

took my breath away, your love inside me is forever to stay,  your touch invigorates my whole soul in a gentle kind way

i search for you in my dreams and feel the cream of your desire entering my being

No matter that you are there and I am here, you soft whisperings I can still hear

the sea erupts over the Sydney cliffs and I feel the power of your thrust of life

the power of the eagle that sets sail to you

the wind that blows three the eucalyptus tree’s which send you my scent of longing, of the forever figure eight, twisting , turning, swaying around like your hearts earthly ambition

will you arrive in time for my longing, my golden need to meld like hot lava into your  precious spirit

thank you for being my Italian, my stallion my Amante


©Loz Visser July 2018




July 23, 2018

Over the last few days, I realise I have been grumpy.

Grumpy after being taken out to a five star restaurant.

Grumpy after listening and being taped over dinner

Grumpy because I was tired

Grumpy because I became emotional

Grumpy like a older person

Grumpier because my body is breaking down

Grumps is a stage of life

Grumps because I prefer bed to company

Grumps  because young people are disrespectful

Grumps because my knee’s are not what they use to be

Grumps because my heart longs for stillness

Grumpier because no one understands this stillness

Grumpier because I am so far ahead of my Grumpier self

A day later, I walked dogs and they where grumpy at the end of the walk

I didn’t feel grumpy because Port Phillip bay was still

The longing of still motion, seagulls screaming their Grumps at m

I look at a young woman approaching with headphones in and feel like warning her to take them out because I saw some weird acting men in the bushes – individually trying to make contact.

grumpy that these men I now consider dangerous

grumpy because the young woman was vulnerable during the middle of the day

grumpy that donald trump is so stupid to call himself a ‘stable genius’

grumpy that the world has rejected ‘no boarders’

grumpy because refugee’s are treated so badly

grumpy that conservatives think they have the solution which is racism, continued capitalism that has many people living homeless

grumpy that people are in so much pain that they smoke crack

grumpy that people smoke anything

grumpy that white american cops kill black and white people for ‘nothing’

grumpy that australian aboriginals are still not respected as the original owners and spiritual custodians of this land which is their land






I am happy about the peace in my life

I am happy that I am wealthy in so many ways

I am happy to be craetive

I am happy to love

I am happy to have a dog that I love to the moon and back

I am happy to have an annoying BFF

I am happy to have Netflick and STAN

I am happy to have experienced a dramatic life

I am happy that I have a wonderful and loving sister

I am happy that I had a beautiful brother who died far to young but boy am I glad to have known him and loved him so much

I am happy to care for my friends and their lives

I am happy that I have loved so deeply and wonderfully

I am happy that the world loves me and I love it back

I am happy that I can grumpy and still be loved.


Yes I love being grumpy and that you make me happy.


© Loz Visser July 2018







My Crown

July 12, 2018

My crown is not the jewels of wealth or my more than enough bank balance and or car I drive (although it’s a cool car).

My crown is the bark, flowers, branches and fauna from the forest and that is a priceless jewel in my crown.

My Coronation Robes are the leather from the beast that fought hard for its life. It is not a sermon from a vegan. I wear my Robe with pride as I love animals and they love me. I am proud of the leather I wear in this modern age of prejudice and political correctness.

My sword is my mind. Within a blink I will cut you off and reduce you to tears with the Truth with just a glance. So be careful what you say.

My army is earth and all it’s non human creatures. I treat them with love and tenderness.

My blood is with the oceans as I follow the day and night of her ebbs and flows.

I am not a hippie but a leather clad man beast in a woman’s body.

I am a powerful gender fucker – get it.

I am a man and I am a woman- got a problem with it ? I could not care less.

Take your stupid prejudice and fuck yourself with it.

I’m enjoying life – are you?

That’s all for today.img_8087


Anger, Pain and Resolution

July 11, 2016

5 years have passed by and in that time I have healed the heart break of you leaving.

I now can see how you never really loved me, you would not of left and I see my short term personal and professional  demise as a result of not standing up for my true values and attempting something new that was and still is uncomfortable for me, you used me for my wealth – all of the aspects of wealth, the financial, the emotional, the spiritual. Not your fault because that is all you know.

I sit here now in a beautiful home in New Forest in England and can see how easliy I loved you and in fact deeply unconditionally loved you and your radiance within, how delicious our love was and how that depth of my character and positive belief in you was then manipulated and taken advantage of.  How I have learned about people and for that I will always remember you and the prized Gift I have received of keeping all my rich wealth for only those truly worthy of it, which you are worthy of, so use it dear woman and use it well and with the great wisdom that has always lived profoundly within you. Then all the pain and love we experienced  will be absolutely worth it.

It is amazing how easy  this new life has come to me now you are gone from my orbit but really you will always be in my heart forever, yes those corridors of forever that you promised  have given me such strength and hope because I understand that you – once where my heaven and earth, now you are in the forever corridor and the escape is simply to  just gently close the door behind me and walk down a new corridor to the many available doors of incredible love.

I even understand your need to be with my old friend who was and is obviously not a friend, nor ever was at all.  Simply scum and will always be. The reflection of my inner scumbag self I have owned. So happy to have moved away from that horrid patterning and you can now watch it emerge within each other.  As this is what you are enjoying and now learning. Suck it up Biatch as you use to say.

I spiritually wish you and your family well. Yet I will never wish your current relationship well because that was the final boundary that was unnecessarily crossed and I will not ever accept or like what happened to us because it was unconsiously or consciously designed to hurt me. You  continued initially to hook me in by continually calling me while you where with this  untrustworthy exfriend because I became friends with a woman who you didnt like. You continued to sleep with me while you where with this  now exfriend because you are infact the biggest betrayer of all – A perfect union you shall both enjoy until the next betrayer comes along and is sucked in by the ‘trick’,  Yes this all happened while you began another fake relationship with a person who is now dead in my eyes and heart and karmically removed forevermore. I have indeed torn the cloth. No more betrayer’s  for me ever, including myself. That is a spiritual promise to myself.

Do I sound bitter and twisted or what was it you both said : “sour grapes”.  Yes the sourness of your betrayal, your dishonesty, your lack of compassion and or empathy for my broken heart. Simple really, no one would be happy about what you both threw at me to disguise your deceit and lies, you may think that your manipulation of the truth is real and if you remember learning that delusion is sincere denial, you both cannot help it, and you darling heart have that perfectly performed. Till one see’s your ‘trick’ and then you know and then I, you, me, them move on.

It is time for the truth to be revealed and the ridiculous story that was made up or rather discussed with dark twists and turns added and embellished with no regard for my deep love and heart break, yes made up stories are always interesting, just ask your sisters and your ex best friend and ex husband,  yet amongst it all I gained the final and last laugh as I was graciously  Gifted with  deep self love and complete freedom which has been sustained from the treacherous lies, deceit and trickery that you believe is the only way to happiness. Ding Dong.

Then your and you new lover begin the ‘poor victim we are narrative’ – People are not stupid and can see what you do, what you both are doing, Trying, attempting to create a smoke screen and its not that clever. You both did wrong and really it would be more validating for you if you and your new betrayer admitted it. Yet you can do what you like because my care factor for your vindictive lies, deceit and betrayal is now minimal.

I have admitted my mistakes, that I got seduced, went to supervision, saw you after the required 6 month period (to the day), met you in the Melbourne Botantical Gardens, kissed you  passionately in the wind, fell deeply in love and 12 and a half years latter, you threw me under the bus to save yourself from helping me, Yes ruthless you indeed are and I thank you again and again  as I survived the hit and run and the massive trauma of your deliberate and cruel push into the the oncoming bus. You darling heart you taught me how to be tough and how to truly survive heart break profoundly and now I am superbly happy (full circle) and a profound artist, that I was reckless with my heart and my career and almost lost the lot  -ALMOST-  NOW –  my career is more profound and my talent is now more succinct and powerful than ever before and I have more respect now because  my deep clearing of my blind and faithful love of you is seen and felt by others as radiantly enlightened.  What you dont get is that the love I held for you was more than you will ever receive again because you know that you have been betrayed already by yourself and your new found ‘integrity’ is indeed a sham. Yes we all know that a repeat is happening and you will throw your beloved’s under the same bus  again and again, if necessary. Who could blame you as that is your Gift of survival. I say Bravo to you because it was an amazing lesson and I am grateful to my core for it.

During our time, I knew you where never going to leave your situation and I accepted that because I enjoyed having 4 days a week alone with me. So I then made a life out of being in love with a woman who was committed to her Family life and that was and still is OK.  I wish that you continue to love your Family as deeply as I now love mine and of course myself.

You hang around with your rapist, disgusting best friend who rapes people over and over again with her disgusting and foul words and her insane belief that she can seduce anyone. An ugly woman with no ethics and no inner self or insight into her revulsion.

Remembering the love, the passion, the trust – all broken. Yet I remember the love, the Barcelona, The Amsterdam, the hills of Hesket, the profund passion, the wearing away of something so remarkable, the laughter, the friends, the tragic circumstances of my career, the abandonment, the radiance of you, the rebuild and the profound healing that I will cherish to my last breath.

I am more than transformed, I am now Radiant. I am deeply grateful for that Gift from you.

Your drug taking, the way you lied to me, then I began to party with drugs and alcohol myself to be with you, such a codependant I was. Lost my way and then I found it again. Once again, clean in my life, loving food, appetite back, exercising again in nature, listening to the beautiful tweeting birds, talking to horses, loosing the extra padding I aquired to protect me from the terror of your abuse’s and your profound radiance, the mixture was intoxicating.

The funny thing was that I never acted out on any information, I was receiving, your paranoia swept you into believing another story. I simply woke up, woke up to the fact that you where doing the same thing to the new betrayer. Another one tricked. BINGO.

The truth was that I betrayed myself and I now know and have learned that I would never do it again because you never loved me, you used me because that is what yowhere taught to do and I was searching for that love, that longing for someone to be my forever.

Yet your powerful seduction and playful personality was what I needed to be embraced within myself and also to heal myself as life is not sad and horrible, it is joyous, amazing and radiant and freeing –  You taught me how to party and how to have fun again and how to seduce if I wished that.

The last part of this  lifetime healed but what is more fascinating is that I want to go deeper and heal myself more and more.

I am now an Artist in my own right, I have published  and have you to thank, I have my articles, I have my male and female names, I have my spiritual name, I am at peace, I am so deeply in love with myself that I could eat myself like a raspberry chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream and a dash of double cream. Finally I am a Butch.

You may now stalk me in my place of work but they all know who you are and what you did to me. They will always treat you with respect because they respect me. Visit me there and I will be kind, I accept that if I could do it all again I would do it very differently now – What saddens me is you still are not taking any responsibility for your part in our great illusion of love. You stalk me because you must miss me and miss my heart and mind especially now it is clear again. I still miss you but know very clearly that I must stay away from you while you work through your pain and drama’s.

This is the mistake I made. Lets keep it simple. I loved you to much and you did not love me in the same way.

You see my dear – I now know that you loved me enough to let me go, your final act of your style of love was to let me go and find true love and that I have found and that person is myself. Thank You so very much.

Someone on my last course in Spain asked if I would ever be open to another relationship. I said “Of Course I would and if I remain alone that is even better”,  Then I remembered you saying to me once “I wish I could be you for a day”, I replied “Why” and you said “ You have no idea how much freedom you have” –  And you where right.

It is so beautiful my life now being not in love with you but still loving your spirit as deeply as the day we first meet in my office.

I also know you are in pain but you must never ask me to take that pain away again because I can’t, no one can,  as it is yours and you must keep on your journey without my intimacy because you are unaware of how you use others – or maybe you are aware and your neediness is not so conscious. I will be your distant friend in spirit because I have to not become your emotional host ever again and if that means never ever speaking to you again, then that is what is needed for you and I.

I am more than happy with that result and it is done with love.


What I learned was so big that I will always cherish your soul.




With Love in those corridors of eternity,










July 1, 2016

Once in a workshop, a woman asked us if her longing to be in deep and intimate relationships was co-dependent.

I answered that there is never a problem with longing; our longing to be in a deep, intimate, sustained sharing with someone is natural and healthy. The problem is that the longing often lacks consciousness.

Most often, we enter our relationships full of fantasies and naiveté, like adolescents. And often, the beginning of a relationship is a wonderful time. But it is also a dream state. Sooner or later, problems arise and when they do, we naturally think that the problem lies with ourselves, with the other person, or with the relationship. Then we may move on, or become depressed and give up on the possibility of love. Or perhaps even worse, we remain in the relationship, even for years as the love dies and the energy goes flat or turns nasty.

We may not realize that love takes deep work and awareness of ourselves. It takes awareness that relating deeply with another person will bring up deep unconscious issues. We are not born knowing how to love. We are born knowing how to have sex and how to be spontaneous and alive. But turning aliveness and attraction into love is a totally different story.

There are four major areas where more understanding can make the difference between disaster or deepening love.

The first involves an understanding that initially we relate to the world and to others much like a child with dreams and expectations. That child consciousness needs to be transformed into mature consciousness.

The second involves a more profound understanding for the nature of attraction, and how and why dramas develop the longer we are with someone in any form of intimate relationship.

The third involves understanding how and why our sexuality changes as we go deeper in a love relationship.

The fourth involves understanding the roles that nearly always develop between lovers (and friends) as time goes on.

Most of us naturally have ideas how people should behave and how the world should be. We hope and even expect that we will be treated in a certain way, especially when we open and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. This is the entitled child inside of us. When someone close to us does not treat us in a way which feels respectful, loving, attentive and generous, we feel betrayed and our trust with that person gets frayed. Relationship, any deep relationship, is going to challenge us to drop our entitled child and come to terms with how people and life really are.

In a relationship, there are going to be times when we feel abandoned, disrespected, ignored, not considered, not listened to, pressured and perhaps even abused. These are times when we have important lessons to learn about life; lessons which empower us and help us to grow up.

For instance, there are times when we have to accept the other person the way he or she is and feel the pain of that. Other times, we have to set clear limits and express our hurt or anger if we feel treated in a way which is disrespectful. Other times, we have to follow our life energy even if it causes discomfort or fear in the other person rather than compromise for harmony. Learning acceptance, setting limits, finding the courage to live our life is empowering. Staying in the entitled child trait, hoping that the other person changes and becoming resentful when they are not as we want them to be, is depressing and stressful.

When two people go deeply into a relationship, it is guaranteed that at a certain point, they will trigger each other’s deepest wounds and sore points.

This is actually the sign of a good relationship, a real relationship. One person’s behavior will push the other person’s deepest buttons and vice versa. But at that point, each person sees the other as a “monster” who cannot be trusted, who has to be guarded against, who is abusive or insensitive or inconsiderate or selfish, and who needs to change in order for the relationship to work.

The wound which the other person is provoking, always has its origin in some deep primal wound. And even if we are aware and have worked on this wound, when our loved one provokes it, we no longer see the other person. What we see unconsciously is an abusive or unresponsive or inattentive parent or authority figure from our past. We cannot understand how the other person can be so blind as not to see and understand our pain and sensitivity in this area. What follows in these moments is drama, conflict, hurt, misunderstandings, endless discussion, anger and then deeper mistrust and alienation.

When we understand that this is the true nature of attraction, we can be prepared for conflict or discomfort. We can even welcome it, even when it hurts. But we also need a way to work through these situations.

Our experience is that if each person becomes aware of his or her own particular sore points and can recognize when the other person triggers them, we can begin to share more consciously. For instance, if we have had a controlling or overbearing parent, we can know that most likely, we are going to get triggered by a strong mate or friend. We are going to get triggered when we feel controlled, supervised, criticized or patronized. The other person becomes a monster and we become angry, shocked or some combination of both.

On the other side, we may have had a parent who was irresponsible and collapsed. We may find ourselves in a relationship with someone who has a tendency to go into shock, space out and even “fuck up” when he or she feels stressed. But whenever we feel the other person is not being responsible or present, we feel betrayed and abandoned.

Once we know our source wound—in other words, once we know the root of these emotions—we have the awareness to do the necessary inner work and take the energy away from drama and reaction. Our work is to feel and express (when possible) our fear or pain without trying to change the other person. With this understanding, love flows. When we see the other person as the problem and focus our efforts at convincing him or her how dysfunctional they are, love dies.

Many of us long for sexuality which is alive, spontaneous, deep, sensitive and frequent. And often when two persons come together, it starts out that way. The energy is strong, the bodies are alive and open and both people feel as though they are in heaven. But with time, things change. We may become critical or mistrustful of each other, or feel inhibited or simply less interested.

When change sets in, we may even try different techniques to try to bring things back to what they were—holidays, sexual rituals, drugs, porn, or whatever. Nothing wrong with any of that but, in our experience, it misses the basic point.

As two people go deeper in intimacy and vulnerability, long buried fears and insecurities usually arise. When this happens, our sexuality also changes, which is what we call “second level sexuality.”

“First level sexuality”—what we may have enjoyed in the beginning is high energy, orgasm focused, passionate and often contains some degree of compensation for shame, inadequacies, and insecurities. It may mask fears connected to our sense of self, our sexuality and also offers some degree of cover for feelings of deep inner loneliness.

In “second level sex,” our shame and fear is surfacing and we can no longer hide it or run away from it.

Moving from level one to level two is healthy and growth inducing, because it invites us to know ourselves in a deeper way. It is the road to deeper intimacy. But we may miss the uncomplicated sexual high of level one. And we may also not understand or know how to communicate when fears and insecurities arise in love making. Often, we may not even be aware that we are afraid or in shame, but our body knows and will fail to respond or function the way we would like. Men may come fast or can’t get an erection; women may have difficulties with orgasm or other problems.

If we know that this stage is most likely going to happen, if we decide to be more open with someone and treat it as an opportunity to deepen our love, we can use this development in a positive way. But it is a challenge because to recognize and to share our fears and shame around sex is difficult. For this to happen, we have to be willing to let go of our addiction to level one sex. That is also not easy.

Sex can be one of the most favored ways of avoiding deep inner spaces. It can be just like a drug and when fears and insecurities arise, we can easily get frustrated and blame the other person or ourselves for the loss of energy.

In our experience, in any relationship, both people mirror each other’s state of fear, shame and dysfunction. It usually shows itself in different ways and also one person may be more successful in his or her compensations, but deep down, the wounds are equal in strength.

When we can begin to accept and even share our fears and insecurities in this area, trust grows. As trust grows and as we become more comfortable at accepting and sharing our fears and shame, we enter into what we call “third level sex.”

In this level, the emphasis is clearly on connection rather than on the sexual high. There is a foundation of deep love and trust and there is space to handle whatever comes up in sex. At this point, orgasm and high energy can happen or not, or the sexuality can be more silent and non-active, dysfunction can happen or not, it doesn’t matter. It is the love and connection that matters and there is a willingness to go through whatever it takes to deepen that.

A final area of understanding that adds consciousness to longing is in the area of the different roles people get into, the longer they are in relationship. It happens very often that one person takes on the role as the caretaking parent, while the other person becomes a regressed child.

As a caretaking parent, we can either be giving or rejecting depending on our nature and our mood.

As a child, we can alternate between being obedient and well behaved or rebellious, again depending on our mood and nature.

This situation usually happens totally unconsciously and automatically. But unless these roles are brought to consciousness, they can destroy a relationship.

Many of us long to get the love and caring that we missed as a child and when we enter into relationship as an adult, we carry this longing with us.

It can show itself by our becoming self-centered, demanding, lazy, spoiled, pouting, moody or irresponsible. All of this behavior is a cover for deep inner feelings of shame, loneliness and fear which need to be felt. When we play the role of the parent, we are also using that role to cover our shame and fear. It may give us some ego fulfillment because we feel needed and useful, but it is essentially an avoidance and breeds resentment and suffering.

This kind of bonding, as it is called, can be a love killer.

It is exhausting to be responsible for another person and it is demeaning and humiliating to feel and behave like a child. In our experience, most relationships become bonded to some extent because we have these tendencies inside of us. But if we can notice them as they arise and begin to watch and feel as we play these roles, it makes all the difference.

With this kind of awareness, we develop the power to choose not to play into them. And when we know that the survival of our love depends on being conscious of these roles, we are motivated to confront them.

There are other aspects of our learning how to love, but these are four of the most important ones. Relationship is a constant challenge to learn to know and love ourselves. It is an arena where we can grow because our longing to have and share love is so strong.

To bring love into our lives, we need to deepen our consciousness. To find and sustain love, we have constant work to do, understandings to acquire and feelings to move through. It’s our experience that when two people want to keep their love alive, there are continual challenges. There is much to learn about ourselves and there is no better place to learn it.


Loz Visser ©July 2005


November 9, 2012

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Tap Tap Tap

July 21, 2010

Today I sit at this box

tap tap tap

thinking of big things I must achieve tap tap tap

flying to Singapore

tap tap tap

one person at a time

tap tap tap

wishing the Gods around me hurried this mission up

tap tap tap

arising from the ashes

tap tap tap

in essence I walk forward

tap tap tap

heaven help the earth

tap tap tap

China has a oil leak now

tap tap tap

Mexico is murdered

tap tap tap

I feel it all

tap tap tap

fly me to my home

tap tap tap

© 21.7.2010

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